christmas day

my previous christmases have generally been either in CA with my immediate fam and family friends, or in MI with my mother's entire american extended family.  either way its a potluck where we laugh, we drink, we eat turkey with 3 kinds of stuffing and ham and pumpkin pie, and we argue over whose marinara/stuffing/turkey/spanakopita is the best.  and we often play hilarious games.

last year, i spent christmas day with a few wonderful men that i had met a some weeks before, and another man with whom i had been traveling for a while.  we ate pizza, drank lots of beer, and danced the night away in a backpacker bar.  amazing.

this year, i spent christmas eve at the family beach house of one of the men with whom i had the pleasure of spending christmas last year.  the Australian and his family were incredibly hospitable- especially because, like i have said before, i am my mother's daughter, and as such i only know two ways to get new people to like me: get them drunk or clean up the kitchen.

i REALLY wanted these people to like me, so i chose both ways.

christmas eve i decided to make sangria.  its not a tradition i usually import, but i thought, "hey, its got something for everyone!"  i failed pretty hilariously because Aussie's mom doesnt drink, and she had never heard of sangria.  she looked at me like my presence was a mistake.  i decided to remain positive and sell the idea that sangria is really more of a fruit punch (... right?).

naturally when you really want/need something to be tasty, something always goes wrong, right?  this time i spiked the punch with a little too much brandy, so Aussie-man, his dad, and i proceeded to get drunk and kill the entire pitcher between the three of us.  then we put up christmas lights and took photos.  this tradition seemed much more familiar to me.

the next day i shocked everyone when i went for a workout after helping consume so much booze (success!).  we all scrambled in the shower, got ready, and headed out to the middle of the frickin australian bush on some station (ranch) that had to have been 50km (35mi) from anything resembling a town, and at least 10mi from the nearest house.

a house arose like some strange oasis in front of us that had cows, dogs, steer, a random donkey,  about 15 both abandoned and currently-in-use cars and pieces of farm machinery... as well as 15 of the Australian's family members.  we arrived and i felt all eyes gravitate towards me as i exited the vehicle.

"...i get the feeling no one ever brings outsiders to these family events," i whispered loudly to the Australian.

"nope."

fuck.

i was introduced to each member individually and then i immediately snagged a beer and prepared for the long day ahead.

luckily, the Aussie's family is loud and hilarious and appropriately silly and welcoming.  we all got along just fine, although i believe that this is in part due to my love of whiskey (all the uncles approved) and my extreme appreciation for the two-dinner situation the seems to be working in this country.  theres "christmas lunch" at about 3pm, and then everyone either naps or goes on a walk until dinner at about 730pm (my family would normally be napping or making a 3rd plate of seconds).

i decided that since there was an unacceptably large swarm of flies in the yard where i would have napped in the sun, i decided to take a "walk" with some of the Aussie's cousins through the cow paddock.  initially this started as a drive down to the lower pastures to see the donkey, and for Aussie this meant "lets torture taryn and show everyone how she's got a secret fear of cows!"

joke was on him because im not afraid of them, exactly... i just dont like how to look at me with their eyes.  i can never tell what they are thinking...

anyway.  we headed back to the house and joined the rest of the fam on a proper walk that went around the sheep shearing shed (now a birthday or other event space), through the bulls paddock, and up to the top of the hill that overlooked their entire property.  it really was a spectacular view on a perfectly warm and sunny day that would have been slightly more spectacular had it not been dampened by the fact that most of us had been walking through the COW fields with SANDALS on.  ill just let you imagine...

we ambled on home happily trudging through the scrub and cow shit until Aussie's aunt screamed and he grabbed my arm really hard and pointed at an unassumingly-colored, medium-sized snake.  his uncle took off, tearing into the shed a few dozen yards away and reappeared with a large shotgun.  i followed excitedly with ears plugged and watched the Australian's uncle literally shoot from the hip and blow the snake's head clean (?) off.  that's when they all told me that that snake was an eastern brown; the second most-poisonous snake in the WORLD (a fact they are scarily proud of).

i am reminded at least once a day that this country is out to kill its inhabitants.

i turned to the uncle with the shotgun and asked if he was going to put the dead animal in the trash.  he laughed and told me, "nah.  the dogs or the vultures will get it."

and thus i was reminded how aussies will always succeed in beating nature back and laughing in her face. with a shotgun.  color me impressed.

after the snake incident we decided we all needed a little more excitement, so we chose to go spelunking in the cave system that resides on the property.  its a large network full of stalactites and stalagmites as well as a skeleton of a sheep (just in case you forgot that you were in a deep dark hole in the ground).  we stayed down there for a bit and told ghost stories.  i told the story about how a few minutes prior, their uncle/father/brother had told me to take the ladder down into the cave more slowly.... mainly because he was standing under it and i was in a skirt.

time passed quickly and that was the only relevant story i had.

we surfaced, and i convinced the pervy uncle to let Aussie take me home on the dirt bike.  i rode the back of that thing in my miniskirt like it was my fucking job.  and Aussie was pretty smoking hot too.

we arrived back at the house, had dinner, and i immediately started experiencing a stuffy nose which lasted about 5 days.

the rest of the Australian's and my time together at his parents' house was full of tissues and extended naps... which suited me just fine.