i think im like a lot of people, in that i have a discussion/argument/whatever with someone, and i dont realize until the next day what a total asshat i was being. 

this happened to me while i was at the gym today.  last night i had a discussion with the Australian about how i sometimes feel alone in our relationship (the asshattery begins here, obvs) because i am more open with my feelings about him.  i suppose my whole point was to get to a place where i could ask him how he feels about me and whether or not he will be dating someone else when i come to visit him, but the whole thing devolved quite quickly because apparently i cant formulate a question without hurting someone's feelings or making them think i am craycray.  last night i appear to have accomplished both negative outcomes.  huzzah.

flash forward to today.  so im in the gym, and all of a sudden, it dawns on me: we both have fears about me coming to visit and about our relationship, but they stem from different places.  he is afraid of getting too close to me and upon finding that he wants to spend more time with me, cannot, because i live a billion miles away.  i on the other hand, am not afraid of the pain of the long distance relationship.  i am more afraid of discovering that we do NOT have this intense, sensitive connection that i thought we did, and that i have just been deluding myself for a year. 

To You:  i say im sorry for trying to sometimes make this relationship (and you) something that it (you) are not.  i realize that i recently had to apologize for this same fault not too long ago, and again, im sorry.  i often overthink things without considering your perspective; without realizing that you are perfect just the way you are and that our relationship is what it is, and i really do love it.

so then i must wonder, as i did so many months ago, what is love?  in my opinion true love requires a mutuality of feelings and when it is only one-way, it becomes an obsession.  it's one of those feelings that will devolve into nothing but a pile of words and connective sludge if you analyze it too much.  you can never be in love if you are constantly questioning it, because part of love is indeed falling and in a way, losing you hold on reality.  yet this can never happen if you ask too many questions. 

to be in love means that you have shared secrets: embarrassing parts of yourself, shameful parts of yourself, smelly, broken, disfigured parts of yourself with another person.  you have shared time, feelings, and still wish to spend copious amounts of your short existence with them.

then again, what do i know?  its just one bitch's opinion.