i figured it out.  i think.  the reason that the balinese only smile at each other and just throw trash everywhere.  and why i am not totally comfortable in this country.  and why i all of a sudden became happier everytime i rode my motorbike through the poorest areas of the countryside.  this comes as a revelation after chitchatting with an english expat over too much bali coffee and not enough sleep because of too much bali coffee last night so forgive my shaky hands that arent typing properly right now.

they are angry.  angry as fuck.  angry at the tourists who have possessions and money that they never even dreamed of.  angry that the tourists fuck up their way of life.  angry that they will probably never have those kinds of opportunities.  angry at the corrupt government and its officials that are inept and totally ridiculous. angry that there is no free, clean water.  no medical care.  no public transport.  not enough educational institutions.  HUGE class differences that are now extremely visible because of the unbelievably exponential grow of the tourist market in the last 10 years.  angry that they have so few options to make a living.

id be angry too.

so they throw trash on the ground because they hate the land that their government officials cant seem to take care of, even though they love their people and their customs and culture.  they hate the tourists that dont seem to care or see whats happening and yet they are forced to cater to their whims in order to survive.  they go about their lives with angry or utterly bored looks on their faces and drive like fucking maniacs to release some kind of stress due to their frustrations.  you cannot tell me that people who drive like they do and look bored as often as they do are actually happy.  you cannot tell me that people who push the personal boundaries and try to cheat people as often as they do are actually happy people.

the reason i felt differently almost immediately after driving into the countryside is because it is the poorest part of bali.  these people live their lives almost completely without tourist interaction, and almost exclusively within their tiny, tiny towns.  they never travel anywhere or go anywhere and are more content to live their lives as they have for decades, even a century.  they do not have to face the complications of living in a larger city and thus are able to maintain a more pleasant existence.  now, you may not believe in the ability to feel energies, but as a therapist and just a generally intuitive person, i believe that i can.  i swear i felt the air change in these areas.  the roads were cleaner.  the smiles were genuine.  the children were excited to see blonde hair coming out from under the helmet, like it was a kind of new experience.  

all this makes me very sad. 

but i have to go run around now before my heart palpitations make my body explode.  too.  much.  coffee.  good lord i must bring some of this back for the doc program.  oo maybe ill start taking orders and charging for this shit!  market to my gf's in the program... haha jk girls.  love you.