i am frustrated with my dating life.  suffice it to say that the last two men i dated disappeared suddenly, and the one man that i really want lives in australia and is completely emotionally crippled, which makes him irresistible to me.  natch.  and lets just say that i would seem to be the perfect woman for him because we live 8000 miles away, making a potential relationship impossible.  plus he has never been in love despite being in multiple long-term relationships. 

so why the fuck am i still talking to him and allowing our NZ-turned-skype relationship to rent space in my head?  probably because he is sweet and damaged and inquisitive and intellectual in ways different than myself, and has cloyingly blue eyes (to quote elizabeth wurtzel) that make me want to rip his clothes off and ride his KTM900 into the night.

ugh.

do not mistake me for a complete fool, though.  i am the last person in the world to believe that a man in his 30s who has never been in love, would magically happen to love me of all people.  i am also the last woman on earth to believe that a man who has been emotionally and/or physically unfaithful to every woman he has ever dated would somehow- magically, again- be faithful to her.  let alone from 8000 miles away.

all this begs the question, why do i attract men that seem to subconsciously use me as a surrogate for whatever psychodrama needs to be played out in their lives?  i hate feeling used like this.  it feels so disconcertingly familiar, probably because its happened so many times to me before.  in other words, im like all of my ex's mothers.  double ugh.

where does this leave me?  preferably quitting this pity party and hitting the gym more often.  its not that i dont work out often enough, its just that i definitely need to channel these self-destructive impulses that i keep having in a constructive way.  clearly destroying myself emotionally isnt going to be helpful.

and you can be certain that i will be destroying myself emotionally, because as much as i know that it would be a terrible move to continue these things with the aussie, i just cant forfeit the feelings i have for him. 

this makes me an idiot.  what promises to be an emotionally intimate, loving, sexually-evolved affair on my end, will end up being a fling on his end.  tis the story of my life.


sorry about that.  pity party: complete.