found this draft from a couple of months ago. thought youd enjoy my madness.

i polled 5 people about my date late night.  i do things like this because i have this odd ability (ability?) to ignore the warning signs and red flags that present themselves in the moment in order to... continue to have a good time?  because i dont allow myself to see the ambiguity or lack of boundaries?  idk what the reason is, but things always become much clearer for  me the next day.

last night, i had a great time on a second date with a good guy.  we shall call him the macrame cowboy.  he did some odd things, and said some odd things, but i ALWAYS second-guess myself and my internal reactions in my personal life.  i always end up thinking "nah, im sure its fine", "nah, im sure he didnt mean it how it sounded", "nah, im just being sensitive"...

anyone who is familiar with postmodern feminist arguments and whatnot will see my internal process as society's influence which has led me to ascribe faults to me that are not mine, and that i have been taught to doubt my own intuition.

ok.  enough of that.  back to the cowboy.

Macrame cowboy strikes me as odd, but this is not because he is a particularly strange person.  i spend every day, all day, looking at/ watching/ listening to other people.  my job is to hear what people arent saying by "objectively" taking into account their behaviors and words and surmising who they are and what they need from me.  its complicated in my head, to say the least.

so, i spend all day critically observing others, and yet i cannot get a good sense of who the macrame cowboy is.  he has his hands in so many projects, and has so many hilariously diverse (and often dichotomous) interests, that i have no idea what his deal is.  walking in his bedroom, i had the distinct idea that the person represented by this room would be wearing a cowboy hat, yet his drivers license picture has him with a mohawk.  when he is talking about himself it often seems like i do not exist, but when he looks at me it seems like im the only thing that exists.  i dont know what motivates him, or what he wants from himself and others..  its hard to explain. 

this phenomenon of being incapable of finding my intuition about an individual never bodes well.  the relationship usually ends in chaos or the revealing of a personality disorder on their part.  ugh.

naturally, im intrigued and will continue to pursue this man if only to satisfy my curiosity and... for entertainment.  sometimes i like a little chaos in my life.  it makes my life so much funnier and more exciting.

i cannot accurately describe the situation that is my hair right now.  i havent cut it since i got back from Bali... almost two years ago.  i should also tell you that i do not regularly utilize what is traditionally known as a "brush".  i just comb through it with my fingers in the shower, spray some products on it (maybe), and call it a fucking day.

the natural texture of my hair is more traditionally known as "beach" hair, "JBF" hair, etc., so sometimes i really believe that i can get away with doing the absolute minimum.  but most of the time i just dont care.

now its getting to a stage where i quite literally scared myself when walking into the bathroom this morning.  there was a terrifying moment when i thought this might have finally been the morning where my curly dreads really dont comb out and i would have to cut my hair super short again.  let's just say that that style hasnt worked out for me in the past.

that, and my mother gently (HA) keeps asking me when im going to "get my hair done".  she also gave me a gift certificate for a haircut for christmas.  (my mother, as you probably now know, is not known for her subtlety)

so i believe that the time has come.  i am hoping that i will only need to cut off about 4 inches...

why do i do this?  is it because i have no money for things like personal grooming?  is it because i have no patience for paying exorbitant amounts of money for some coiffure that would cost $30 for a dude?  is it because i would rather spend my money on wine?  is it because i just dont care?  do i just make use of my JBF hair excuse?

ya, youre right.  its all of the above.  

and i apologize for the long post on hair.  it seems so trivial now in the rapidly diminishing wake of panic that came from brushing my mane just now.